I feel the need to vent and since this is my blog I guess I have the right to do it here.
Lately all these pregnancy hormones have really been getting to me. I'm happy one minute and the next minute I'm bawling for no reason. The worst part is that it's so hard to make yourself stop when there's really no reason that you started. Today I went for a drive to clear my head and all it really did was make me think about every emotion I'm feeling.
Sometimes I feel lonely. I don't know why because I live with 4 other people, I have great friends at work and my weekends usually consist of spending a lot of time with my friends. I think a lot of it right now has to do with the fact that I'm pregnant and I only get to see my boyfriend once a week. It's hard having a bond like a child and wanting to share every moment of my pregnancy with him and I can't. And on top of that he is so busy working right now to save for the baby that it's really hard to talk to him a lot on the days we aren't together.
Another thing that has just been getting to me a lot is not feeling needed. A lot of things in my past have caused me to lose a lot of my ability to trust. I have a hard time trusting that people aren't going to just up and leave me especially when times get hard. I can't wait until my daughter is born because I know that she will need me and love me just as much as I love her.
Right now I'm just taking it day by day. My life is very good and i don't want this to seem like a woe me post I just needed to get some things off of my chest.
Thanks for listening or reading I should say. Hope you guys all had a great weekend. I think I need to get some rest.
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I understand your frustrations and it is going to be hard, but clearly your boyfriend wants to do the right thing and is working hard to make sure you and the new arrival will financially taken care of.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that in time it will get a little easier to deal with and if he is anything like you have described before, than you just need to give him a little bit of emotional slack, regards the trust issues :-).
I know it can't be easy to trust, if you've grown up having some people let you down, because it probably gets engrained in your psyche, that some people don't always turn out the way you'd hoped.
What the new arrival should do though, is galvanise the relationship between you and he. If he gives a lot to you, then clearly he couldn't give less to your baby, or he shouldn't.
He might make mistakes sometimes, but that's human, os you shouldn't be too hard on him. You'll no doubt do it too, so don't be too hard on yourself.
I don't speak from experience, I just speak from common sense. You are feeling it right now, but when the new one finally arrives, you will feel a lot differently I am sure and you will find that the arrival focuses more of your time and attention, away from how you are feeling now.
You need to be strong and keep your chin up, because you will have a tough job ahead of you mothering a child, but I have never doubted since you announced you were pregnant, that you could do this.
Will you question your ability to cope? Will you question your sanity? Will you lose belief in your parenting abilities? Yes you might, but as long as you never let the small negatives overcome you and really affect you, you will be fine.
You have expressed your Heart a lot on this blog over the months and it's clear your Heart does have a lot to give.
Your child will be lucky to have you and he / she WILL deserve you, so don't ever think that are going to fail them or not come up to scratch, because I truly believe you can do it right and though you do come across as someone who is a bit a fluffly, cuddly personality sometimes, (that's a good thing), it is not a sign you are scatterbrained or ditzy and you WILL rise to the challenge of motherhood, of that I have no doubts at all.
You really are a quite touching and heart-warming person. and that's why I kept posting here, because despite your difficulties in getting to grips with your lifestyle and changes to your life, I knew you could do it, because you showed someway, somehow, you are capable, so you gave people like me a reason to believe.
You WILL be a beautiful parent, giving your child so many of the best emotions and moments they deserve.
So GOOD LUCK with the remainder of your pregnancy okay :-). You're a great person and you DO deserve the chance to mother a child and they will be lucky to have you as their Mother, becasue you don't ever have to be someone, that damages their ability to trust others.
Keep smiling and no worries yeah.
:-) :-).
Matt
thanks for the tough love my friend, I need it :-)
ReplyDeletesorry to hear you're having a rough time hun
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm sorry to hear that thins are hard for you right now. That's no fun. Just because you don't always understand why you feel the way do doesn't mean it's not valid emotions. Roll with it girl! Things'll get better!
ReplyDelete