Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Selfish? Comfortable? All of the Above...

Hello! Happy Tuesday! Every second we're closer to Friday! :-)

Food was good yesterday, same old stuff. I did snack a little after work because I was starving but I think I packed a good hearty afternoon snack today (3 Breton crackers, 1 wedge of laughing cow cheese, 1 oikos vanilla greek yogurt - about 150 to 200 calories for it all) so hopefully that hungryness will be cured. Went to the gym last night, focus was abs with light biceps/back and inner/outer thighs. Also did about 35 minutes on the bike. I HATE ab workout days. The reason is because I never feel like I'm working them out enough. I'm hoping that the pilates and bellydancing classes will help in the area more.

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but my boyfriend is currently trying to get into the music business. He's very talented and it seems like every day he is getting closer and closer to actually achieving his dream. This absolutely scares the shit out of me. He is starting to record his first album today and part of me wants to jump for joy - for him and another part of me wants our lives to stay how they are - for me. It seems so selfish, no scratch that, it IS so selfish to even think that way. I know this, but I can't help it. Basically, I feel as though I am going to get left in the dust. I feel like I am going to be forgotten about and if he ever gets famous enough he'll be able to have whatever girl he wants so why would he stay with me? He's reassured me many times that he doesn't want anyone else and no one has been there for him like I have but I can't help feeling the same way. I've talked to a few people I know that have been somewhat in the spotlight and the "Fabulous Life" doesn't always turn out to be all that fabulous. I want him to be happy and this has been his dream is entire life so of course I want this for him but how we are now is comfortable and I like comfortable.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't take a lot of risks. I've had this blog about losing weight for 8 months now but only within the past 3 weeks have I actually made the effort and lost weight. Being fat is comfortable. Eating shit is comfortable. Not exercising is comfortable. These are things I've been doing my whole life. I've been used to these things for 20 years, it's not an easy thing to break. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 1/2 years. Our relationship is comfortable. Our life together is comfortable. Mabye that's not enough. Maybe this music thing is a blessing in disguise. Who knows what adventure it could take us on. Who knows?

But maybe after all this worrying nonsense, I'm ready to find out.


  1. I'm sure things will be fine.

    Only an idiot would throw away happiness with a person they truly love, for money. To have someone like you, he clearly knows the meaning and value of that, because you must be to him almost as precious as his own life.

    I don't think if he's sensible about things, he would ever believe any amount of money could replace that, because such emotion, is one of the few things money can't buy.

    Lots of money plus loneliness is not something that creates happiness. That seems a cast iron certainty.

    So don't worry about it. You are clearly someone with a vety good heart and a warm personality. He loves you for who you are inside, and if he's any sense, he'll never lose sight of that.

    Take care and best wishes.

    :-) :-).


  2. Worrying rarely leads to anything positve. Take control of what you can control and understand that the rest is going to play out however it plays out.

  3. I eat Laughing Cow cheese too! I love it.

  4. I agree with Jack. Enjoy today and the rest will play out.

    Now, I'm going to go follow my own advice. Easier said than done!