I'm not happy. Right now I feel like I'm almost to my breaking point. To the point where change starts to happen because I'm are so fed up with how everything is going.
I realized this last night, when me and my boyfriend got in yet another fight. For no reason. He said a lot of things I needed to hear. He said that I seem like I'm never happy, that right now he never see's me smile and he feels like I'm always bored. It made me step back and look at how I'm acting. He's right. I sit there and mope. Basically because I'm constantly, non-stop always thinking about my weight and how I look and hoping that I look okay and knowing that my clothes don't fit right anymore and knowing that my face is so round that you could pluck it off my shoulders and shoot a free throw with it. I'm so distracted by my insecurities that I can't focus on spending good quality time with him like I need to. He's the love of my life and has always been there for me no matter what. I've put on 50 lbs since I met him 2 1/2 years ago and he still thinks I'm sexy and still loves me for me and here I am worrying about whether or not he does. What I need to worry about is whether or not I love me for me.
I've come to realize this. Right now I can't love myself because this isn't me. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I'm going to be. I want to lose weight, I want to feel good in clothes, I want to be healthy and I want to be happy.
I need this.
People can't feel good about me until I feel good about myself.
Period. End of story.