Friday, May 1, 2009

Pursuit of Happyness?

I'm not happy. Right now I feel like I'm almost to my breaking point. To the point where change starts to happen because I'm are so fed up with how everything is going.


I realized this last night, when me and my boyfriend got in yet another fight. For no reason. He said a lot of things I needed to hear. He said that I seem like I'm never happy, that right now he never see's me smile and he feels like I'm always bored. It made me step back and look at how I'm acting. He's right. I sit there and mope. Basically because I'm constantly, non-stop always thinking about my weight and how I look and hoping that I look okay and knowing that my clothes don't fit right anymore and knowing that my face is so round that you could pluck it off my shoulders and shoot a free throw with it. I'm so distracted by my insecurities that I can't focus on spending good quality time with him like I need to. He's the love of my life and has always been there for me no matter what. I've put on 50 lbs since I met him 2 1/2 years ago and he still thinks I'm sexy and still loves me for me and here I am worrying about whether or not he does. What I need to worry about is whether or not I love me for me.


I don't.


I've come to realize this. Right now I can't love myself because this isn't me. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I'm going to be. I want to lose weight, I want to feel good in clothes, I want to be healthy and I want to be happy.


I need this.


People can't feel good about me until I feel good about myself.


Period. End of story.

2 comments:

  1. I want a lot of those same things but the goal is to love yourself as is because there will be many setbacks and hardships in the weight loss journey. I have been a heavy girl for the majority of my life. I love my self as is, BUT strive for more. Because if I hate what I am now and have setbacks on my goal I'm using a potential me as my guide for being okay with myself I love Valecia fat or skinny, but I want her to be skinny..LOL...This is just a small part of the journey and feelings Ive been there time and time again..it will all work out

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  2. The main thign is you are capable of loving yourself, and you want to be a different person physically.

    Some relationships will go through a test or two. Even some happily married people of 30+ years, have had their moments, and probably will again, but what always will remain will be the underlying foundations, of love, honesty and trust.

    If you both share such vital components that solidify a good relationship, then even when winds blow, or a few slates fall of the emotional roof, you can still get through, until the reparations have been done, and then keep going.

    2.5 years is a pretty long time in todays love 'em and leave world, where divorce is easy, and some mens attitudes to women are so casual, it defies belief.

    Reltionships have in many cases less respect, meaning and tradition attatched, than they used to 50 years ago.

    The main thing is you know you are capable of loving yourself, and you know the power, strength and possibilities of what you and your boyfriend have, and whilst you have the foundations you need, and can see what is possible and what needs to be, you have every chance of making 2.5 years, 10, 20 maybe even 30 years longer.

    The bets thign in my mind is ot move forward. Dont' punish yourself for what you think you should have done, that's in the past, keep looking forward, and keep believing in the two main things.

    1. The power of YOU

    2. The power of TWO

    As Fergal Sharkey said in 1985, A good Heart these days is hard to find.

    I think you and he will keep finding that something you have had for the last 2.5 years, because it's clear from what you've said you have something pretty wonderful, and if it's that good it's worth positively fighting for, and worth every bit of what you are able to give.

    You deserve love, but you don't deserve to punish yourself for things. That just makes it harder to move on, and feel positive about the possibilities in life.

    I think you are someone with that good heart, and someone who will find the physical happiness you seek, and maintain the relationship happiness, that in the main you have now.

    I don't doubt the both of you are lucky to have each other, by how you've potrayed things in the last 2.5 years, so if it's that special deep down, it will never fail permanently, unless one of you lets it.

    I wish you well, and I wish you lots of luck with everything.

    Take care and best wishes.

    :-) :-).

    Matt

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